Childhood Wounds, Adult Relationships: Patterns You Can Actually Change

I grew up in a home without my dad. When he divorced my mom, it felt like he divorced us, too.

My mom did everything in her power to fill that gap. She cooked, cleaned, worked, disciplined, encouraged, taught, and protected. She called herself “mom and dad,” and I believed it with my whole heart. That phrase became my comfort because it helped the ache make sense.

What I did not realize back then was that one day I would long for my dad in a way no one else could satisfy, not even my incredible, hard-working mother.

The Empty Seat I Still Remember

There is a scene that still lives in my mind like it happened yesterday: my middle school graduation.

I remember asking my dad several times to fly in from South America. I imagined hugging him in the crowd and seeing his face light up when they called my name. I thought, if he sees me doing well, maybe he will be proud enough to stay. I kept checking the door and telling myself, Maybe his flight is delayed. Maybe he is stuck in traffic. Maybe he is right outside.

Minutes into my graduation speech, my eyes scanned the audience one last time.

He was not there.

The realization hit me while I stood on stage with a microphone in my hand and a smile on my face that no longer felt real. The words on the paper kept coming out of my mouth, but inside, something shut down. I was devastated.

That day, I made a quiet promise to myself: do not expect too much, do not ask again, and do not hope where you cannot handle another “no. I told myself I was tucking away the desire for a dad, pushing it so far back in my mind that I would never find it again. But the truth is, I did not tuck it away. I just started searching for him in other places.

How That Day Followed Me Into Love

Without realizing it, I carried that empty graduation seat into my relationships.

I did not realize that I was choosing people who didn’t care and often felt far away, because that is what was familiar. I worked overtime to prove I was worth staying for. I overlooked red flags because I was terrified of being left again. I confused attention with love and often doubted consistency because it felt too good to be true.

That longing for a father’s steady love showed up in my first real relationship and even in my marriage. I handed my husband a silent script in my heart: Please fill the space my dad left. Please fix what he broke. Please show up the way he did not.

He did not even know he was being asked to play a role that he probably didn’t think he had to fill. 

This Is Bigger Than “Dad Issues”

Maybe your story is not about a father who was missing. Maybe it was:

• A mom who was physically present but emotionally distant

• A grandparent who raised you but also criticized you harshly

• A caregiver who loved you but never learned how to apologize

• A friend, teacher, or sibling who made promises and never kept them

Any relationship wound from childhood can quietly reshape the way we show up as adults. We repeat patterns we never chose, simply because they are familiar.

Patterns We Are Allowed To Change

The hopeful part is this: patterns are not destiny. They are habits, and habits can change.

Here are a few patterns we can begin to rewrite:

1. From chasing to choosing - Instead of chasing people who keep you uncertain, you can choose people who show up. You can ask, Do I feel safe, or do I feel scared?

2. From proving to receiving-You do not have to earn love by over-giving and over-explaining. You can practice receiving kindness without immediately wondering what it will cost you.

3. From searching for their love to learning to love yourself- Stop chasing people to prove you are lovable and start caring for your own heart because it matters.

4. From replaying to recognizing -When familiar pain rises, take a moment to pause and notice that it is an old wound speaking. Then gently remind yourself that you are free to choose a new response.

Why Our Healing Matters So Much

Healing can be beneficial for the one who hurt you. It can lower the weight of your unspoken expectations and soften the edge of your anger. It might even open space for honest conversations, healthier boundaries, and sometimes reconciliation.

But your healing is absolutely vital for you.

You deserve relationships that are not built on panic and fear. You deserve love that does not require you to disappear to be accepted.  You deserve a life where your younger self is finally able to heal from past trauma, and your healed heart leads your choices.

You may never receive the apology, the explanation, or the perfect do-over moment you imagined. But you can give your adult self what your younger self needed: safety, honesty, compassion, and consistent care.

Childhood wounds shape our patterns. Healing reshapes our future. That tender, everyday work of healing is something you are allowed to begin today.

He heals the broken in heart, and binds up their wounds.-Psalm 147:3

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